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danceXuponXaXstar
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Name: Jessica
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Pittsburgh
Birthday: 10/24/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: dancing (ballet, tap, lyrical, pointe, & jazz), art, reading, Gloria Jean's Coffee, and other stuff.
Expertise: being a pimp.
Occupation: a beauty advisor at Walgreens
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  dancinXdewoholic
Member Since:
11/29/2004
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| so i really never update this. every time i do, my life has always changed a ton. i'm pretty sure that in my last entry, i was all upset and confused about a new guy i was dating. not because of him but because of what the guy before did to me & how i was still dealing with those feelings. but i'm a lot better now. and i'm still dating that guy. aka, gary. he's basically my best friend. i've never been so close to someone like this. he's the first person i want to call with any news, whether it's bad or good or anything in between. for the first time in i don't even know how long, i feel like i can trust someone. i feel like he's not going to bail out on me and just leave. and it's really nice to not have to be so paranoid all the time. and to not have to constantly be playing a guessing game of what the other person is feeling or thinking or whatever. it's funny how a lot of my exes are back in my life right now..and how some of them still act flirtatious with me. i just laugh to myself because why would i want to leave what i have for some dumb guy who didn't know how to be with me in the first place? and i've noticed that with even just being friends with some of them, i still have to play those guessing games. it's really not worth it. i'm trying to be a better person to myself and that includes not taking so much of other people's shit. i don't need it, nor do i deserve it. period. : ) but long story short, i'm finally starting to feel happy with my life. i've found a deep love and friendship all in one person..and that's the best reward. <3   
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| i would have stayed with you.
i would have kept waiting for you.
i would always feel butterflies when you kissed me.
i would always feel like somehow we just clicked.
i could put the ocean to shame with the tears i've cried for you.
but probably not as much shame as i feel for falling so damn hard.
and for letting my guard down, and for once in my life loving someone so freely without a doubt in my mind that it was true.
i have never, ever felt that way about anyone. i have never felt that if a guy left me, i wouldn't know at all what the hell to do with myself. i've never felt so helpless.
every single fucking day since then has been a struggle. at first, it was just a struggle to survive. to remember to sleep and eat. now, i'm a little better but it still hurts so bad that i'm practically praying for the day that it ends. and now you're talking to me again? now we're friends? fuck that! how the hell can i pretend to be friends? i can't even imagine right now being able to be in your presence without wanting to break down on the spot. it's crazy to think that of all the guys i have dated, of all the times i thought my heart was broken, i was wrong. because it's never hurt this bad. and i'm trying to move on. i've found someone else who seems to be a genuinely decent guy. and the stupid thing is is that i don't know how to just date someone now. how do i date someone that i don't feel as strongly for as i do for you? i love you so much that it actually makes me sick to my stomach. i hate feeling weak and vulnerable and admitting that a person could do this to me. i know it will get better as time goes on by right now it's just..shitty. and i don't even care that i'm posting this to xanga because no one reads these anymore anyways and i feel like i might explode if i don't get this out of my system..and what the hell do i care anyways, people can think what they want. all i've learned so far that no matter how you treat people or live your life, you can still be fucked over. and that's a pretty messed up thing. peace. | | |
| i figured i would write in here since i never seem to. i feel like all of my entries on here are not really good representations of who i really am..mostly because i'm usually writing in here when i really need to vent so i'm all emotional and stupid haha. and i do need to vent a bit but i don't think it really matters since i'm almost positive that barely anyone reads this anymore..
but anyways, my life lately..let's see..i dated a guy who was the worst guy i've probably ever dated. he's neck and neck with another guy but i think he just might be the "winner." i honestly have never regretted dating someone so much. actually, i've never regretted dating anyone until i dated him. because i try to take everything as an experience. everytime something goes wrong or whatever, i make myself realize at least one thing that i learned from it or how the experience made me a better person. but there really is not much i learned from this except that some people are assholes. some people will take every chance you give them and fuck it up. that's just life. and don't get me wrong, i didn't love this guy and i never expected to. but it just bothers the hell out of me when someone betrays my trust and acts so disrespectful and rude to me when all i ever did for them was be there for them and show them that i cared. i'm honestly not a bad person. no, i'm not a saint. there are times when i'm a bitch because i'm having a bad day..or times when i just don't do the right thing.. but i don't go around trying to hurt people. and i'm a very loyal person. so whenever someone isn't like that to me, it's just like, "why?" because i can't see how you'd want to be a total dickhead to someone who was nothing but good to you. ahhh oh well. you live and you learn, i guess.
but moving on..there's actually another guy in my life right now..and it's so good that as stupid as it sounds, i don't want to jinx it haha. but seriously, it's just so nice being with him. and i'll leave it at that.
school sucks. i'm tired of it. in a nutshell, i slacked off and it fucked up my grades. and believe me, i've heard every piece of advice or what i should have done or what might happen as a result. so please spare me haha. it sucks though because i'm just really frustrated about the way i handled it all and i'm ashamed since i usually do well in school and i just was stupid about it this time..and of course every single person has been asking me how school is..oh well. i wish there was a redo button i could push but i'm hoping this will keep me from every doing this again.
hmm..what else is going on in my life..well, it's cold finally. and snowy. and i hate it haha. if i didn't love pittsburgh so much i might consider moving south. but it means that the holidays are coming up and that always makes it much better. it's so hard not to get into the christmas spirit though since walgreens has had christmas shit up everywhere for awhile now lol. so everytime i work i keep thinking it's christmas but then i remember that thanksgiving hasn't even passed yet haha. but i'm excited for thanksgiving too. all that food : )p. i get a few days off for thanksgiving and then i have school for a little less than 2 weeks, and then i get about a month off for winter break. and i'm sooo geeked haha. i come home every weekend but i'm so ridiculously busy then. and people are always getting annoyed that they never see me but there's nothing i can do about it..i have to work and get stuff done on the weekends..that's just how it is. so maybe winter break i can actually see all the people i've been missing so much : ) but i guess i'll end this since it's already way too long and kind of pointless.
happy holidays if i don't update this before then haha. | | |
| how do you know when you're okay again? or will you never really be okay?
how do you know that you're dealing with things, but not dwelling on them?
how do you know if you're actually feeling better, and not just pushing everything back down again?
if you have the answers, please tell me. i'm serious. | | |
| well, i'm at college now haha
since i never seem to remember to write in here
but i might start a little more because there's not a whole lot to do on my down time here
i don't have any classes today which is nice because wednesday's are my long ass days of classes
so i get to relax today..and do homework. woo
it's different here..it's growing on me though. i miss my friends and family and sometimes i'd really like to have my own room again but it's all good
oh, i get to go home tomorrow night for the weekend : ]
and we don't have class monday so i can be home an extra day
so i'm excited because even though i have to work, i get to see some people
this will probably sound weird but i miss ann being near me. molly, i didn't get to hang out with that much because i was kinda busy and she was super busy so while i miss her a bunch, it's not like we work at the same place and hang out all the time.
but yea, i miss them both. and all of my other friends<333
so let's see..nothing exciting happens here..at least not to me haha
my dorm room is like, surrounded by loud people. my roomate's pretty quiet but next to us are the loudest girls ever..they were screaming the other night at like midnight when i was trying to go to sleep since i had morning classes the next day
i'm sure they're nice, but they're sooo damn loud. oh, and i've come to the conclusion that elephants live in the dorm above us haha. seriously.
we don't have a room on the other side of us because we're the first room when you come in the hallway but we have to hear people slam the door at all hours..and be loud
but i don't really care about the loudness too much as long as i'm not trying to sleep or do homework
i don't really have much else to say..so..peace out. | | |
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